competition.

So apparently I am only competing for your time with your best friend, that's just dsfhjdlfigfj, things are so different this time. I can't even explain it! You always cuddle me and if I seem upset you want to seriously talk about what's wrong and you want to help and make things better and you hold me extra tight when you think I'm sad and you don't get mad when I roll over and pull all the blankets off or steal your pillows. Or when I'm sick and don't feel like talking, you just take me into your arms and demand that I explain why I'm not okay. If I ever seem down by text you tell me to smile and genuinely care about why I'm down. You listen to my dreams, my goals. We have the same expectations from life. This is getting in way too deep, and you just keep inviting me over. I can't say no to you.

snow

it snowed in christchurch yesterday it was beautiful. I got snowed in at my manfriends house and it was just dfhjbdfgkhdfgkf amazing.
I started talking for the first time about him the other day and once I started I just couldn't stop. So many feelings, and memories and moments that I was just bursting to share, bursting to relive and feel over and over again! This is intoxicating, it's incredible. But it's something I can't do, not now, not this soon. Granted I am not heartbroken over Phil, I surprisingly don't ache for him or miss him. I was convinced it would be the break up that would destroy me, it makes me doubt everything I ever "felt" for him. Sometimes it just feels like a phase I went through.

I refuse to rely on somebody else for my own happiness, I make my path through life. This is mine to live, not anybody else's and I need to embrace that.

please

-stop fucking with my head
-give me a straight answer
-stop making me wait for you
-love me back
-be with me

thanks,

Singapore

My parents are gone. I have been without them before but just the thought that if I want them or need them I can not just call them or text them because they are in a different country really irks me.

Revisiting this blog because I needed to write.

So much has happened to me in the last few months, I was with a boy who promised me the world, promised me my search was over that I had found my future right there in his arms. Trouble was he meant those words for another girl that he eventually left me for, after we moved in together and his mother showed me her engagement ring blatantly saying that she believed it would be in my possession soon. I fell into that hole and sunk right to the bloody bottom only to be thrown back into cold hard reality. I had to move back in with my parents and 2 months later I am still living out of boxes since I am in a tiny guest room with a single bed and no storage space. I lost my bedroom, many of my friends, my boyfriend, my best friend and my second family. Surprisingly I was okay and just got on with it, I always knew he'd leave me for her despite his disgust at her actions and her treatment of others he decided to go back to her would be the best decision and if that's what he wants and believes good luck to him.
I just wish he hadn't let things get so far, so involved. Makes me sick to think how long it was planned behind my back. Even now people are still trying to tell me things about him, like oh we saw phil at the mall, we saw phil here with this person blah blah blah, and they read things to me from his fb. I don't need to know? If I wanted to know I'd ask but honestly I don't care what he does, it's his life.

But moving past that, because I have. It doesn't hurt to think about, I know if it wasn't right then it would have never lasted. He was a wonderful guy but if it's not meant to be then it WON'T be. And that's just a fact of life. So people need to stop treating me like a victim, I'm not a victim. I am just a human being.

Then to my other problems, there is a boy. He's horrible, he's amazing. I don't know what to think of him, he chases me then makes me chase him. He invites me over and cuddles me then doesn't talk to me for days. It's fucking with my head, and I know it's wrong. So..so wrong but I can't walk away. He just gives me this insane feeling of calm, I'm not looking for a relationship. I hardly feel capable of being so heavily involved in somebody again for a while since it's a lot of effort I am not willing to give at the moment However, it's not an "us" but this thing that is going on is crazy and it takes me on whirlwinds and it's unpredictable and it makes me laugh and it makes me smile and it makes me angry but it doesn't hurt. It just never hurts because I don't let myself get attached and I refuse to let myself get to that point where I give somebody everything of me for them to just take it away or leave it behind. That isn't a smart idea. But I just have this feeling, and this boy he makes me smile.
My life has hardly been simple lately but I still love it, it's a fun ride you don't get off. You just keep going round and round till one day the ride stops completely and you're dead. I'm not ready for the ride to stop yet, i'm having fun going round. Even if it's just same bullshit, different day.

where is my tissue box?!

When you’re being kissed, do you like it when they hold your face?
yes, i do.

Did you sleep alone last night?
yes, i did on my lounge lol

Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?
alice or mum

Last person that texted you?
philip!

Has anyone ever sang to you?
yes many people

Is there anyone who doesn’t like you because of something you didn’t do?
most possibly/probably

Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed?
nuppp

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now?
nah i have no clue

Do you and your last ex hate each other?
we're getting back on to the track of friendship

Are you happy with the way things are going?
idk, hard to tell

Ever given your ALL to someone who walked away?
yes i have, and it fucking sucked

Are you one of those people who are always cold?
yes, my hands

Ever felt like you’re not good enough?
most of the time yes

Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?
yes

Has anybody ever told you that you have pretty eyes?
many

Last thing that made you cry?
life probably

How was your weekend?
it was good actually, got some good sleep last night

If someone is interested in you right now, would you like them to tell you?
if they want to

Is the last person you kissed mad at you?
no they are not

Are your parents divorced?
nope

Are you in a relationship?
no.

Do you get up at least an hour early to get ready each day?
fuck no

Do you sit down & eat dinner with your family every night?
most nights.

Would you rather not eat or not sleep?
not sleep, eating is too good

If you won a million dollars how would you spend it?
house or renting something..get off my home. or a car.

What do you normally drink in the morning?
nothing.

What was the last card game you played?
crazy 8's

Look at your fingernails, do they need to be cut?
nah i bite them

Have you ever fallen asleep with the last person you kissed?
sooo soo many times.

Are you listening to music right now?
paramore

Do you prefer warm or cold weather?
warm def

Do you like to cuddle?
always

Are you keeping a secret right now?
yep

Do you like where you live?
i wanna move, but my house is nice and nice area

Have you learned any lessons in life?
aha yes,

Is there a person of the opposite sex that knows everything about you?
yah huh

When is the last time someone of the opposite sex gave you a hug?
todayyy

Are you a jealous person?
idk, it really depends.

Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed?
yes

Will you kiss someone within the next week or two?
yup


Is there anybody you wish you could be spending time with right now?
alone time is good atm

Name what you did yesterday?
rugby, pizza, sleeping


When was the last time someone told you that they only want you?
a week ago?

When’s the next time you’ll see your closest friend?
idk.

Are you happy?
could be

Are you wearing make up?
a little

Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
never have them

This time last year, do you remember who you were dating?
matt maybe..

Last thing you did before bed last night?
watch skins

What color is your underwear?
purple and white stripey

Whats the lamest song you actually like?
my heart will go on

Do you lie to your parents?
far too much

What’s the first thing you think of when you hear the word caterpillars?
no idea

When did you last take a picture of yourself?
today

How many keys are on your keychain?
2

What is the most random object on your desk?
my onesie

When someone says “we need to talk” what runs through your mind?
SHIT WHY WHAT'D I DO OMG

In the past week have you felt stupid?
ofc

Has anyone told you lately that they would always be there for you?
phil

When is the last time you had a massage?
ages

What was the last movie you watched?
start of blades of glory

What are your plans for the weekend?
cruising!

What is one thing you have learned about life recently?
EVERYBODY SUCKS

What is your brothers name?
don't have one

Are you ticklish?
not really no

Are you appearing offline on anything?
no.

Is love a strong word, to you?
yes

Have you ever said “I Love You” and not meant it?
um, i think once

Has anyone ever tried to take your place?
yep

Do you wish you were blonde?
sometimes


Is there any one you can talk to about anything?
yesss

Does anyone call you babe or baby?
fuck no

Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?
nopeee

What does your hair look like right now?
a bit needs a clean

Have you ever had pink eye?
hahahaahah no

When you last got dressed, did you put on your bottoms or your top first ?
i just changed pants

Is there something about yourself you’re not proud of?
yes of course

Do you have a lot of books in your room?
yessss

When is the next time you’ll kiss someone?
no ideaa

Did you have any interesting conversations lately?
always

Do you think you’ll be married in 10 years?
i really don't know

If you could move right now would you?
yes

What do you currently hear?
paramore

Where will you be in an hour?
right here, sleeping probably

Does it frustrate you when someone brings up a bad past?
i guess?

What are you looking forward to next month?
BEA ♥

Do you think you’ll make a good husband/wife?
nah hahaha.

Do you believe in love?
yeh D:

my hands are frozen

fail anna.
i had 111 posts so i didn't want to add another lol

intense.
i love you?