competition.

So apparently I am only competing for your time with your best friend, that's just dsfhjdlfigfj, things are so different this time. I can't even explain it! You always cuddle me and if I seem upset you want to seriously talk about what's wrong and you want to help and make things better and you hold me extra tight when you think I'm sad and you don't get mad when I roll over and pull all the blankets off or steal your pillows. Or when I'm sick and don't feel like talking, you just take me into your arms and demand that I explain why I'm not okay. If I ever seem down by text you tell me to smile and genuinely care about why I'm down. You listen to my dreams, my goals. We have the same expectations from life. This is getting in way too deep, and you just keep inviting me over. I can't say no to you.

snow

it snowed in christchurch yesterday it was beautiful. I got snowed in at my manfriends house and it was just dfhjbdfgkhdfgkf amazing.
I started talking for the first time about him the other day and once I started I just couldn't stop. So many feelings, and memories and moments that I was just bursting to share, bursting to relive and feel over and over again! This is intoxicating, it's incredible. But it's something I can't do, not now, not this soon. Granted I am not heartbroken over Phil, I surprisingly don't ache for him or miss him. I was convinced it would be the break up that would destroy me, it makes me doubt everything I ever "felt" for him. Sometimes it just feels like a phase I went through.

I refuse to rely on somebody else for my own happiness, I make my path through life. This is mine to live, not anybody else's and I need to embrace that.

please

-stop fucking with my head
-give me a straight answer
-stop making me wait for you
-love me back
-be with me

thanks,

Singapore

My parents are gone. I have been without them before but just the thought that if I want them or need them I can not just call them or text them because they are in a different country really irks me.

Revisiting this blog because I needed to write.

So much has happened to me in the last few months, I was with a boy who promised me the world, promised me my search was over that I had found my future right there in his arms. Trouble was he meant those words for another girl that he eventually left me for, after we moved in together and his mother showed me her engagement ring blatantly saying that she believed it would be in my possession soon. I fell into that hole and sunk right to the bloody bottom only to be thrown back into cold hard reality. I had to move back in with my parents and 2 months later I am still living out of boxes since I am in a tiny guest room with a single bed and no storage space. I lost my bedroom, many of my friends, my boyfriend, my best friend and my second family. Surprisingly I was okay and just got on with it, I always knew he'd leave me for her despite his disgust at her actions and her treatment of others he decided to go back to her would be the best decision and if that's what he wants and believes good luck to him.
I just wish he hadn't let things get so far, so involved. Makes me sick to think how long it was planned behind my back. Even now people are still trying to tell me things about him, like oh we saw phil at the mall, we saw phil here with this person blah blah blah, and they read things to me from his fb. I don't need to know? If I wanted to know I'd ask but honestly I don't care what he does, it's his life.

But moving past that, because I have. It doesn't hurt to think about, I know if it wasn't right then it would have never lasted. He was a wonderful guy but if it's not meant to be then it WON'T be. And that's just a fact of life. So people need to stop treating me like a victim, I'm not a victim. I am just a human being.

Then to my other problems, there is a boy. He's horrible, he's amazing. I don't know what to think of him, he chases me then makes me chase him. He invites me over and cuddles me then doesn't talk to me for days. It's fucking with my head, and I know it's wrong. So..so wrong but I can't walk away. He just gives me this insane feeling of calm, I'm not looking for a relationship. I hardly feel capable of being so heavily involved in somebody again for a while since it's a lot of effort I am not willing to give at the moment However, it's not an "us" but this thing that is going on is crazy and it takes me on whirlwinds and it's unpredictable and it makes me laugh and it makes me smile and it makes me angry but it doesn't hurt. It just never hurts because I don't let myself get attached and I refuse to let myself get to that point where I give somebody everything of me for them to just take it away or leave it behind. That isn't a smart idea. But I just have this feeling, and this boy he makes me smile.
My life has hardly been simple lately but I still love it, it's a fun ride you don't get off. You just keep going round and round till one day the ride stops completely and you're dead. I'm not ready for the ride to stop yet, i'm having fun going round. Even if it's just same bullshit, different day.